LightningHunter's Parody of Abused Naruto Fics
by LightningHunter
Summary: LightningHunter laughs at all authors who like to feature villagers beating the crap out of Naruto daily. A Naruto who isn't immune to getting drunk because of Kyuubi, isn't hated by the council,and definitely isn't turned on by an insane Hinata.


Hello.

Yeah, yeah, I know I said to you people in the AN of Elementary, that I would be gone till June. Well...I still have some time left, and to be fair, this fic was pretty much finished anyway.

This fic means one thing and one thing only.

LightningHunter is completely pissed off at all the unoriginal fics being created every hour that constantly talk about "drunks and civilians beat the shit out of Naruto on a regular basis."

I mean seriously, how many times have we read that now? I'll gladly admit, it was something I've used before, but I have since renounced those horrid ways.

Things this fic makes fun off:

Naruto getting the shit beaten out of him by villagers. Naruto being ass-raped by villagers. Naruto being immune to getting drunk. Naruto being the No.1 customer of Ichiraku. Old Man Ichiraku being the kindly old man to Naruto. Insane Hinata. Understanding Hinata. Council that wants to kill Naruto. Council that wants to banish Naruto. Council that wants to do something else which is equally as bad. Naruto having a shit-house for a...house. Shopkeepers overpricing Naruto's goods. Naruto getting pwnage presents. Kakashi being a Sasuke-obssessing bastard. Sasuke being a gay rapist (even though he is).

* * *

Naruto was randomly walking down the road, because, well, since you haven't got any friends, and you have no computers or game consoles, you tend to do a lot of walking.

Naruto suddenly walked into a villager, knocking him down.

"YOU! WHY'D YOU KNOCK ME DOWN FOR!"

Naruto took a few steps back instinctively, hands covering his face.

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?!" screamed the villager. "DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU AND CALL YOU A DEMON-BRAT? DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO STAB YOU, BURN YOU AND CRUCIFY YOU? DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO CALL ALL MY FRIENDS AND GET THEM TO BURN DOWN YOUR HOUSE AND THEN WE GANG RAPE YOU? IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK I'M GOING TO DO?"

"...No, you just spit a lot when you talk, I was keeping my face clean," said Naruto, letting his hands fall to his side.

Naruto then walked away, before deciding he felt like having some ramen.

A lot of people wondered why he had ramen all the time, and Naruto replied it was cheap. They then would wonder if the shopkeepers were over-pricing their goods for Naruto, to which Naruto would admit that he spent most his allowance on his frequent underage drinking sprees. And no, he didn't drink because of the "pain"; he just liked getting completely shit-faced.

And it wasn't like the Kyuubi's regeneration abilities stopped getting him drunk. The Kyuubi loved getting not just pissed, but completely fucked, completely and utterly shit-faced, and the sooner the better.

There were quite a few customers there, and Naruto remarked on this to Teuchi, or old man Ichiraku.

"OBVIOUSLY WE HAVE OTHER CUSTOMERS!" shouted Teuchi. "WHAT DID YOU THINK, YOU'RE THE ONLY CUSTOMER I HAVE? DID YOU THINK THAT HAVING YOU AS A CUSTOMER DRIVES AWAY OTHER CUSTOMERS?! DO YOU THINK THAT WE REGULARLY GET ATTACKED BY MOBS WHO ARE ANGRY THAT WE LET YOU DINE HERE?!"

"Jesus man, why is everyone yelling today?" said Naruto, before ordering.

He ate his ramen quickly, but asked whether Ichiraku would put it on the slate.

"ON THE SLATE?!" screamed Teuchi. "DO YOU THINK THAT YOU'RE LIKE A FAMILY MEMBER TO US? DO YOU THINK THAT I ONCE HELPED YOU WHEN YOU WERE A YOUNG CHILD? DO YOU THINK I ONCE GAVE YOU FREE FOOD? DO YOU THINK YOU'RE MY NUMBER ONE CUSTOMER? YOU'LL PAY NOW!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?!" shouted Naruto, before forking over, and sullenly walking away.

And suddenly, Hinata appeared in front of him.

Naruto scratched his chin. "Who are you again?"

"Naruto-kun, I understand you completely!" said the girl.

"Eh?"

"I know that you hide behind a mask!"

Naruto felt his face. "No, no mask here."

"I know that your grin is just a mask! I know you don't really want to be Hokage!"

"You're really creeping me out," said Naruto, before walking away.

Suddenly, Hinata appeared in front of him again.

"LET'S HAVE OUR REVENGE!" screamed the Hyuuga. "I KNOW YOU HATE KONOHA, AND I HATE THEM TOO, ESPECIALLY THE OTHER HYUUGA! LET'S TRAIN FOR THE NEXT FEW YEARS AS KONOHA SHINOBI AND THEN BETRAY THEM AND DESTROY THEM! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!"

"You've completely lost it," said Naruto, before walking away.

"HEHEHEHEHE- EH? NARUTO-KUN? NARUTO-KUN!"

Hinata chased after Naruto, who started to increase his speed, before he broke out into a full run, and Hinata suddenly stopped as she went into a lamppost.

"Stupid bint."

Naruto then continued his walk, before deciding he'd go to the Hokage Building and see Tsunade. He entered the place, only to realise she was busy in a meeting with the council.

"Er, am I interrupting something?"

"ARE YOU FRIGHTENED BOY? ARE YOU SCARED?" screamed a council member. "DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO TRY TO BANISH YOU?! DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO TRY TO EXECUTE YOU?! DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO ENCOURAGE PEOPLE TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU?! DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO HIDE YOUR PARENTS' IDENTITIES AND PROPERTIES FROM YOU?! HUH?! IS THAT WHAT YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO DO?!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" said Naruto.

"DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO TRY AND STOP YOU FROM BEING A NINJA?! DO YOU THINK WE'RE GOING TO TURN YOU INTO AN EMOTIONLESS WEAPON? Wait a minute, I need some water," said the council member, before taking up his glass, and drinking. "Much better, okay then...DO YOU THINK THAT-!?"

"Will you please shut the fuck up!?" said Naruto, before walking out.

* * *

The story of a genius...The story of where Naruto became a hero...The story of an intelligent, cunning Naruto, as opposed to a nutter in a jumpsuit or some Super!Naruto who goes around killing enemies (with ease) and preaching these long-winded speeches (quite gay now I think of them).

That story is...

Elementary, by LightningHunter

That's right, I even advertise **during** fics now.

* * *

The next day, Naruto realised it was October 10th.

"Hey! It's my birthday!" he rejoiced.

Contrary to popular belief, Naruto did not get the shit beaten out of him every birthday.

Naruto strolled to his rather roomy lounge, and once again contrary to popular belief, Naruto did not live in a rotting apartment that stank of shit and had bad furniture and had no hot water or electric equipment and had large holes in the walls and numerous bricks and beer bottles flung through the windows...as well as having graffiti, with even the odd poem about Naruto's death.

"Hey, what the fuck are you guys doing in my place? I could've sworn I locked the doors last night..." Naruto trailed off.

"DO YOU THINK WE WENT THROUGH SHATTERED WINDOWS?!" screamed Iruka. "DO YOU THINK THAT WE CAME THROUGH THE DOOR AS THE LOCK WAS THE ONLY THING HOLDING THE THING ON ITS HINGES?! DO YOU THINK THAT WE ENTERED THROUGH HOLES IN THE WALLS?!"

"Iruka, shut the fuck up and give me my fucking present," said Naruto, looking at his guests. Iruka, the rest of Team 7, Tsunade, Jiraiya and Shizune.

Sakura handed him a lumpy package, which Naruto took, and felt.

"Oh great. Clothes," said Naruto sullenly, ripping open the package.

"Now you don't need to wear that orange jumpsuit anymore!" said Sakura brightly. "JUST BECAUSE ALL THE OTHER CLOTHES WERE HORRIBLY OVERPRICED AND YOU HAD NO OPTION TO WEAR IT, HERE, YOU SHOULD HAVE SOME OTHER CLOTHES!"

"The hell? I have loads of other clothes, I just wear this jumpsuit for one reason," said Naruto.

"What's that?"

"It's cool," said Naruto.

"The fuck?!" was a simultaneous cry.

"Here you go Naruto," said Jiraiya, handing over a heavy cardboard box.

"Oh yay," said Naruto sarcastically. "Let me guess, a Hiraishin scroll? A tri-pronged kunai? Tips on how to become super-strong? How to be best friends with any certain inner demons?"

"Well, no, it's just a load of porn mags," said Jiraiya, scratching the back of his head.

"Now that's what I'm talkin' about!" grinned Naruto. "Heck, I'm thirteen today, I need some porn!"

Hinata suddenly burst in through the window.

"WOULDN'T YOU RATHER HAVE THE REAL THING?!" she screamed, as she started to pull off her clothes.

"You just broke my fucking window," said Naruto. "And I doubt you've even gone through puberty yet."

Naruto brained Hinata with the heavy cardboard box, knocking her out cold, before he tossed her back through the window.

Naruto turned back to see several disbelieving stares. "What?" he said defensively. "She's out cold, if she dies she won't feel any pain!"

"Not that!" said Kakashi. "You might have damaged the porn mags!"

Naruto quickly opened the box.

"Nah, they're all fine!"

"Excellent!" said Kakashi, before whispering into Naruto's ear. "And can I borrow some?"

"Kakashi, I have a question, before I answer your question," said Naruto. "How come you always train Sasuke and not me?"

"Well actually Naruto, there's a number of legitimate reasons," said Kakashi. "One is that by doing so I'm teaching Sasuke to be an idiot who underestimates everyone, so if ever did run off and join say, Orochimaru, he'd probably kill himself fighting an opponent he couldn't understand."

"Like me?"

"Yep, like you," said Kakashi, before continuing. "Secondly, by not training you, this somehow makes Jiraiya more interested in training you, like when he taught you Rasengan, which I'll then teach you to combine with your elemental affinity...some day. Third, I'm making a shit load of cash by selling pictures of Sasuke to his fangirls. Fourth, I can beat the shit out of Sasuke everyday and claim it's for training purposes. Fifth, I'm human, and we all make mistakes."

Naruto scratched his chin. "Wow, those reasons almost sounded...valid."

"See! I'm not the partially evil, Naruto-hating, Sasuke-obsessing, porn loving idiot that many people portray me as."

"...You don't love porn?" wondered Naruto.

"Ah, time for more reasons!" said Kakashi happily. "First, I much prefer the real thing! Second, Icha Icha is not mere smut, it is an highly prized work of literature, using romance, drama, angst, humour in the most effective combinations since...ever."

"...Okay," said Naruto slowly. "So, what's my damn present?"

"Here," said Kakashi, surrendering a golden Icha Icha book to Naruto. "Keep it safe."

"...I can't say that was unexpected, but hey," said Naruto, turning back to his guests- even though they were uninvited- and said: "So?! Get a fucking move on, fork over my damn presents! And if you haven't got a decent present, you'll pay! In cash!"

Sasuke gave him...cash. Iruka gave him...some more cash. Tsunade and Shizune gave him...even more cash.

Naruto now had both porn and money for his thirteenth birthday. Gifts far better than say, clothes.

Naruto carefully counted his money. "All of this is going to go on some serious crack."

"What?!" screamed Tsunade.

"Oh, not again..." groaned Naruto.

"IS IT BECAUSE YOU HAD A DIFFICULT CHILDHOOD?! IS IT BECAUSE YOU GREW UP ON THE STREETS?! IS IT BECAUSE YOU NEEDED TO ESCAPE REALITY?! IS IT THE ONLY SOLACE YOU HAD?!"

"Isn't it time for you say, shut the hell up?" said Naruto.

Suddenly, Hinata jumped back through the window.

"Naruto! I have a book for you!"

"What is it?" said Naruto dully, reaching for a crowbar or something heavy and blunt.

"This! It's the story of Uzuki Naru, how he had a demon sealed into him at birth, and trained from the age of two years old! He then rescued his friend Hugga Hin from being kidnapped at the age of six! He then became an S-class shinobi at twelve years old, and went on to kill this organisation called Night-break that was after him with ease and married Hin and had loads of babies with her!"

"Really?" said Naruto, before bashing Hinata over the head with a chair leg, and giving Hinata to Sasuke. "Here Sasuke, revive your clan."

"DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO RAPE ANY WOMAN TO REVIVE MY CLAN?! DO YOU THINK I'M GAY AND I'M GOING TO RAPE GUYS AND SEE IF I CAN GET THEM PREGNANT?! DO YOU THINK I'M GOING TO TRY AND SEEK REVENGE ON YOU BY TAKING THE GIRL WHO LOVES YOU FROM YOU?! DO YOU THINK-?!"

"Oh for fuck's sake," said Naruto, tossing Hinata and Sasuke out of the window.

* * *

"Hey, this song is pretty good," said Naruto, looking at his perfectly functioning 50 inch television set later on at some random channel.

It's a music video, so I suppose it'd be on some music channel...

"DOES IT PERFECTLY REFLECT YOUR LIFE?!" screamed Sasuke. "DOES EVERY LINE HAVE A DEEP MEANING TO YOU?! DOES IT MAKE YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE?!"

"Er, no," said Naruto. "It's by Weird Al."

"Weird Al rules!" said Jiraiya.

"Hell yeah!"

"IS IT BECAUSE YOU WERE BETRAYED AND NOW HAVE GONE INSANE?! IS IT THE RESULT OF MANY BEATINGS?! IS IT THE CONSTANT PRESENCE OF A DEMON IN YOUR HEAD-?!"

Iruka was cut off as a brick was thrown at his face.

* * *

"You know what," said Naruto. "Why does everyone assume I have lived some horrible angsty life with loads of beatings?"

"Well, Naruto my friend, there's a number of reasons," said Jiraiya. "One, that person has listened to other people, who have warped their poor minds and forced them to believe that such a thing could happen. Second, they try to read between the lines but overdo it completely, making themselves look like fucking idiots. Third, they need some crazy excuse for their fanfic idea."

"...That's pretty much everyone we've seen," said Naruto.

"Yep," nodded Jiraiya.

"You know, this life bores me."

"Maybe, you should base your character on Sherlock Holmes and leave Konoha to escape the Akatsuki and outwit each one of your opponents? Or maybe you should take a Scythe called the Fell Herald and become the Reaper of Death?"

"...I think those ones have already been done before," said Naruto.

"Well, maybe you should become some complete bastard of a fanfiction author called LightningHunter and write about them."

Naruto bent over laughing. "LightningHunter?! That's the stupidest name I've ever heard!"

"Stupider then Nintendo Wii?"

"...Correction. LightningHunter?! That's the second stupidest name I've ever heard!"

"Stupider then Sasuke?"

Naruto glared at Jiraiya. "The point is it's a very stupid name. Sounds like some guy just got two random cool sounding words and stuck them together."

"...Hmm, well, let's go back to who you should be," said Jiraiya. "How about we base your character on Eric Cartman?"

"Idiot!" hissed Naruto. "You can't give away details of one of LightningHunter's developing fics!"

"...How about we give everyone a preview?" suggested Jiraiya.

"Good idea," said Naruto "Let the preview begin!"

* * *

"Well," said Orochimaru. "how 'bout I meet you kids after the exams and we/Make love!?"

"...Excuse me?" said Naruto.

"C'mon children!/You're my/Sexual fantasy. Let's all/Make sweet love."

"Er...are you okay?" said Sasuke.

"I wanna/Stick/My Balls/Inside your rectum/Sasuke!" shouted Orochimaru.

"What are you saying?!" said Sakura.

"I'm wanna make love to/Your assholes/Children!"

"WHAT?!" Sakura half-screamed.

* * *

"Naruto!" yelled Iruka. "What have I told you about swearing?!"

"Hey, Iruka! You know why you're a teacher!? 'Cos you don't have any friends! You should kill yourself!" Naruto yelled back.

"...What a loser," commented Sasuke.

"Don't call me a loser you fucking Jew!" shouted Naruto.

* * *

"Hey you guys, you know what they call Jewish women's boobs? Joobs," said Naruto, before looking up at their sensei. "So who's this asshole?"

* * *

"My ambition is to kill two people! One is this son of a bitch!" Sasuke shouted, pointing at Naruto.

"And you! I don't wanna hear any introduction, cos I'm gonna get rid of you three as soon as possible!" shouted Kakashi.

"What-?"

"That's right, a fucking survival test tomorrow! Fail, you're fucked! You're out of here! And all three of you will fail! And in fact, don't even eat breakfast, cos you'll be shitting it out in fear!" screamed Kakashi, before disappearing.

* * *

"Tally ho lads!" shouted Orochimaru. "I must say you're becoming quite a thorn in my balls."

* * *

"That's wonderfully hilarious," said Jiraiya, wiping a tear away. "There's only one thing I wanted to see, and hopefully LightningHunter will fulfil this wish."

"What's that?" asked Naruto.

"Minato and Kushina making you."

"..." Naruto froze, as the thought of his parents having...it suddenly appeared in his mind. "Holy fuck!" he screamed, before passing out.

Jiraiya slapped himself. "Hang on, I'm an author! I can easily write an epic smut book on Minato and Kushina...maybe I should even add a few more in...hehehehe...let's see if I can't chuck in Rin...or Tsunade...or Shizune...or Mickey or Mickoto...you guys know her, she's Sasuke's mum."

Jiraiya ran off the scene, before remembering Naruto and picked him up as well, all the time cackling due to his mental images.

And to be fair, so am I.

* * *

"How would you like to join the Super Adventure Club?" said Orochimaru. "We travel the world and have sex with children!"

* * *

Meh. I thought it was funny...

Oh well, need to go. It's about midnight, and I have exams to prepare for and all. And it's my birthday next week. Why am I cursed to have a birth date close to exams?

...Oh yeah, I am actually planning a Naruto fic where he has the same personality as Eric Cartman. Probably another Parody. Just imagine it though. Orochimaru screaming: "Tally ho lads! I must say, you're becoming quite a thorn in my balls."

To learn why the Nintendo Wii is called such, go to Uncyclopedia dot org and type Nintendo Wii into the search bar. While you're at it, type in Xbox and Mario.


End file.
